


Maybe

by axolotlNerd



Category: Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party (Band), Skyhill (Band), Starbomb (Band), The Northern Hues (Band)
Genre: Car Accidents, College, Death, F/M, FROM THE COOOOORNER OF MYYYYY EYYYYYYYYE, I Am Dead Inside, MEEEEEEEMORIEEEEEEES, MISTY WAATERCOLORED MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMORIES, Memories, My beta started crying and still hasn't emotionally recovered whoops, OF THE WAAAAAAAAY WE WEEEEEEEEEERE, Pictures, Sad Ending, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 18:12:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11110098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axolotlNerd/pseuds/axolotlNerd
Summary: Maybe something went wrong. Maybe things ended badly.Maybe you never cared.





	Maybe

_ “Hey Dan,” Arin said, softly clicking the buttons on the controller as he played the game in front of him. He glided down, trying to land right on the shrine as he spoke. “You probably said it already, but why didn’t you lose your virginity until, like, 23?” _

_ “Well, uh…” Dan trailed off, recalling the memory. “Well, basically I was waiting for this one girl I really liked, but it, uh… It didn’t work out.” Those words were so much easier. It was so, so much easier to say it didn’t work out than the truth.  _

_ Maybe he was still reeling too much from it. It was so, so long ago - it was starting to draw on two decades now.  Maybe it was unhealthy to still be hurt by the incident after so long.  _

_ Or maybe that’s just how grieving works? Maybe it still hurts after so long because that’s how missing people works. And it sucks but that’s the way it is because emotions suck. Maybe it was natural to still hurt but maybe it was good he’d recovered. _

_ “You don’t sound very happy about it. What happened?” Arin asked. _

_ “Well, it’s kind of a sad story.” Dan explained. _

_ “Dude, people love that shit. Go for it.” _

 

It was the spring of 1999. That fresh buzz of the new year still ran through him, and everything just felt so  _ good. _ For the first time in what felt like years, he felt good and happy. It was like he’d become a new person, crushing on cute girls and talking about nerdy movies and things felt  _ normal. _ He felt normal.

A lot had gone on in his life. For someone so young, he’d been through a lot. And he knew that. And maybe some part of him regretted it. Maybe some part of him wished he’d had a normal life, where he’d met different people at different times and maybe hadn’t done some of the things he did. But for now, everything was perfect.

Even the girl in his psychology class. God, he swore she was perfect. She wasn’t just cute; she was gorgeous to him, and in more ways than physical. She was passionate about the class, inquisitive and smart and so focused in everything she did.

Part of him hated the fact he sat next to her. Hated the fact that he’d flush every time she’d reach for her favorite red gel pen to write something important. Hated the fact that he watched her doodle in margins of her notes, and smiled at the cute things she drew. Hated the fact that she’d sometimes write lyrics to songs, and that he recognized them so often. 

It was the good kind of hate. He loved it, that kind of hate. Where it drew him in like a moth to light. Whoever said love couldn’t exist without hate was right because everything he knew about you, he loved. 

And he wanted to know more. Desperately, he wanted to know and love more of you. But it was so, so hard to catch you out of class. You were smart and determined, and unfortunately, had another class right after psychology. And after that, Dan could never pinpoint where you’d gone. 

You were like a ghost. No one knew who you were, let alone anything about you. While he’d asked his friends, they looked at him like he was crazy. Probably for being so infatuated with a girl he’d never spoken to.

But he knew you were real. He knew it because he could feel your presence just being near you. He could feel the mystery of who you were surrounding you like a magical fog, one that he was so, utterly, completely, wholly, absolutely infatuated with.

 

_ “So you had a crush?” Arin deadpanned. “And you really wanted to fuck her?” Dan laughed, but still shot back. _

_ “No, no, it was more than that. I mostly just wanted to get to know her at that point. Like, a friendship crush, you know?” He explained. Arin nodded with a small ‘mm-hm’ escaping his voice as he continued playing. _

 

He had a trip back home. And he’d missed a few classes. He wasn’t very nervous about it, he had friends in those classes and he could just ask for notes. The trip back home had been good; he’d met up with old friends again, hung out with Dana, and his parents even took him out for a nice meal. 

No one had ever noticed when he’d left. No one. Friends would usually know beforehand, and no one else cared. 

Which is why he was so taken aback when you approached him on campus the day he came back. 

“Dan!” You’d yelled, running up to him. He jumped at the sound, and looked at you from his spot on the grass. “You… Weren’t in class yesterday.” Your voice, while it had began confident, faded into nervousness. And Dan couldn’t help but flush.

The truth was, you’d noticed. How could you not? He was a walking 6 foot 2 pile of hair, you were sure everyone had to have noticed him by now. But maybe no one had noticed him like you had. You’d noticed how he smiled a lot, and really loved the music he listened to. You could just tell that love was in him.

“Yeah, I… I took a trip to see my parents and stuff.” He explained. You nodded, sitting down next to him. 

“Do you need notes?” You asked, trying to calm your nerves. 

“Yeah, that’d be great.” He answered. You pulled out your back pack, a cheesy little thing you hadn’t changed since you were in high school. You’d had so many notes that you had to keep them stuffed away in cabinets in your apartment, but you mainly kept the most recent ones with you. You handed then to Dan.

“You can keep them. I copied them onto a Microsoft Word, so it’s good.” Dan smiled at your words, looking at the pages of notes. There it was - your signature red pen doodles and important info. He took a minute to look at the notes before turning to you. 

“Thanks.” He said, a genuine smile on his face. 

Of course your relationship would just blossom from there. With hopes come thoughts, and with thoughts come words, and with words com actions. Of course you would have

 

_ “But we did end up dating at one point. And it was fun! We did a lot of stupid shit, like this one time-” _

 

You snuck into the city pool. Oh God. Why were you doing this? You were going to get arrested. For sure. There was no doubt about it. You were all going to get caught and arrested and go to jail and-

“Come on!” Alex yelled from the top of the fence. He was a short boy, with dark buzz cut hair and fierce blue eyes. “You’ll be fine. Quit being such a pussy about it!” He reassured snidely, making you laugh. It was just like him. As your best friend, this banter was normal. 

His boyfriend Michael had already made it over, and was laughing as you hesitated up the chain link fence. He had tamed waves, cutting off at his shoulders as he smiled and laughed at your struggling. 

Meanwhile, Dan was right behind you, just as nervous as you were. “Are you guys sure about this?” He said, his voice quivering. By now, you’d pulled your waist above the top of the fence, trying to to get poked by the metal ends. 

“Too late now. Come on, Dan!” You yelled, hoisting your leg over with a grunt and struggling not to fall. 

You both eventually made it down safely. Alex quickly stripped down to his boxers, ready to jump in the pool as fast as possible, just waiting for Michael as he touched the water. “I don’t know, it might be too cold-” He said, his toes drifting along the edges of the water. 

Alex lunged forwards, but michael moved back quickly. “Don’t you fucking dare! I swear, I will punch you in the nose if you-” 

And with the sound of his feet struggling on the ground before a loud splash, he was gone. 

He popped up, swiping his now drenched locks out of his face. “You’re a fucking dick, Ale-” He was promptly cut off as Alex dove in next to him, sending a water of water right into his face. 

With a laugh, you carefully leaned onto Dan’s shoulder, watching the two’s antics as they fought each other in the pool. Though you’d gotten into your underwear to go swimming, you started to think maybe this was better. Maybe just watching your friends be happy with Dan was the best thing right now. Maybe this was all you needed.

A week later, you saw they put barbed wire on top of the fence.

 

_ “But yeah. Some things happened. I wasn’t really sure at that point if I was going to lose my virginity with her, but some things happened.” _

 

You had come over to his apartment, and though you’d planned on just watching a movie together, things escalated. 

You eventually found yourself straddling Dan’s hips next to yours as you pressed your lips to his, feeling the heat of your two bodies stuck together as you palmed at his shirt. His hands held your hips calmly, one moving up to your face.

But he pulled away, softly, leaving your lips for a moment to speak. “Do you think- Could we-” He stuttered, not sure how to say it. “Could we just do this, maybe? And not go further?” He asked, looking down. Almost ashamed.

“Of course, Danny.” You said, but still a little disappointment trickled in your chest. “Can I ask why?” You cautiously prompted. 

Dan gave a half-hearted shrug. “I don’t know, I just…” He trailed off, and you could tell from the look he was giving you. 

“Are you a virgin?” You asked. Dan nodded. “No way. But you’re the hottest person on this planet, Daniel!” You joked, placing a hand on his cheek. “Don’t look so embarrassed about it. There’s nothing wrong with waiting for the right lady.”

“And it’s not that you aren’t fucking amazing, I hope you know that, it’s just-” He stopped himself short.

“You want to make sure you’re ready. That’s fine.” You said, placing a kiss on his forehead. “Am I allowed to keep kissing you now?”

“Hell yeah.”

But later that night you had to leave. And as Dan started to think, he realized. Maybe you were a good person to be with like that - you’d reacted so well and calmly to him telling you he was a virgin. Maybe this was a good choice.

There were a lot of ‘Maybe’s about your relationship. Maybe he’d been through too much too young. Maybe he made some bad choices. Maybe life had just been plain cruel and unusual and hated the best people.

He woke up with his phone buzzing. Not an alarm, but an alert. He had three messages, and in the correct order, pressed play on them. 

_ ‘Hey, Dan,’ _ Your voice rang out fuzzily across the receiver, the sound of rain in the background.  _ ‘I just wanted to make sure you knew you’re okay and stuff? About tonight. I… really hope I didn’t push any boundaries or anything. Give me a call, oka-’ _ Your voice cut off too quickly for comfort. He quickly pressed play on the next message. 

_ ‘Fuck, fuck Dan? Shit,’  _ You said, sounding panicked and stressed.  _ “ _ **_Fuck._ ** _ I-I- It’s raining, and I- The tires, they spun and I fucking- I already called the hospital, they’re sending an ambulance and I-I just had to tell you I love you. I love you, Dan, I love you so, so much, I can’t- I’m sorry. I love you. I love you, I lo-’ _

The message cut off. Dan was already in tears. How could he have missed this? Why couldn’t he have been awake when you called? Drove to you himself? What could that third message even be?

Cautiously, he pressed play, holding the phone up to his ear with shaking hands. 

_ ‘Hello, Mr. Avidan?’ _ A calm woman said on the other line.  _ ‘This is Massachusetts General Hospital speaking. We believe a person you know has been admitted, and we’d like you to come speak with us as soon as possible. Thank you.’ _

Dan rushed to the hospital, fumbling for car keys, saying fuck class if it meant finding out what the hell happened. As soon as he got there, he ran to the front desk, saying he got a call and that his name was Dan Avidan.

A doctor took him to a small room. Words barely floated through his ears.

 

Something about hitting your head really hard. 

 

Internal bleeding.

 

Aneurysm. 

 

_ Identify the body. _

 

Dan didn’t know what to say. His whole body felt numb, and time felt like it wasn’t moving. But he wished it would. He just wished this would be over, because God it hurt so bad. “Tell me when you’re ready.” The doctor said before leaving the room. 

He just sat there, completely detached. This was so many things all at once, it was absolutely  _ nothing _ and made his whole body feel cold but at the same time he was burning up, crying and hiccuping desperately. 

Eventually he found himself getting up from his seat, cold and detached once again. With silent footsteps, he walked into the other room, and let himself get greeted by the doctor without saying a word. He followed him to where they had you. 

You. A large bruise still visible on your forehead. A gash in your arm. Skin spotted with different colors of blood loss, bruises. Pain. 

Dan let out a shuddering breath, letting out words that didn’t reach his ears. Your full name. Your mother’s name. Your father’s name. Siblings. Friends and other family. He listed it off, as dull as a machine as nothing reached his ears the way it should have. 

Time passed. He changed. Because he swore that he would change. The memory of you stung in him for a while, bitter and cold in his heart as he tried his best to recover. 

And he did. After finding all of the phases and going to the hurt of them, he found the last one. And by God, it was the hardest. Realizing that you were gone and he couldn’t change it but he swore he would change. He swore he wouldn’t let himself get torn apart by this even if it ripped through him a million times over. Because it would. 

But time moved on, no matter how badly he wished it would just stop. He’d allow himself to just breathe, and remember that even though the good memories were gone, he’d still have them.

 

_ “So yeah. Things didn’t end up so well, but- the thing is, with grieving for people? It never really stops. It hurts for the rest of your life, man, but like… Eventually it just starts to hurt less. And I still miss her, but… You know, things tend to work themselves out.  _

_ “But anyways, my virginity.” Dan said, making Arin laugh. “Yeah. About two, three years after that, I kinda just was like ‘I want this thing out of me’ so a friend helped me out and it was special and good.” He explained. Arin nodded, listening to the bell-like ring of him having completed the shrine. _

 

That night was hard for him. Talking about it was always hard. But like he said, things got easier with time. Maybe he still regretted the fact that he couldn’t have done anything. Maybe he was just too sorry for himself. Or maybe losing people you love is just really difficult and hard because emotions suck but you’re stuck with them. 

He always kept a box of memorials to those days. Not just where he was with you, but all the college good stuff. Shitty half-finished lyrics he’d never complete, pictures of him doing stupid shit, even angsty poetry he’d forget about after every visit to these memories. 

He sorted through the box, finding the set of loose pictures he was looking for. Most of them were just collecting dust, alone at the bottom of the box, but this set had been paper clipped together. Because it felt important. 

The first one was one he’d taken with a disposable camera when you snuck into the pool. It was briefly before you left that you’d take out a sharpie and drew a penis on a smooth part of the ground, the childish humour being found so funny by all the boys that Dan knew he had to take a picture. 

The second one was you with a clunky pair of headphones on, listening to music while reading. Dan had found this state of yours so perfect that, when he had the opportunity, snapped a shot of it when you were sitting on his couch. 

That was directly followed by a picture of those same headphones, askew on your head as you lunged blurrily towards the camera to stop Dan from taking photos. 

There were so many more - one of you calmly smoking a blunt that he found nice to look at, one of you wrestling a bunny-ear headband onto Alex, one of you at a spot you’d named the Lookout because you could see so much city from the spot.

But it was the last one that really made the memories good for Dan. You weren’t even in the picture - you’d been the one to take it. It had been exam season, and Dan was so deep into studying he hadn’t even realized the mess he’d made, papers spewed everywhere on the floors and lamp-lit table he sat at. The main thing he loved was that he was still in this deep concentration mode as you took the picture, writing with your red pen. 

Maybe it was cheesy to say that this picture meant so much to him. Maybe it meant so much to him because he could still feel the same way. Cluttered, disorganized, concentrated, and maybe you were there.

Just taking a picture to look at in the future. 

 

Maybe this memory was the only one he needed for now.

**Author's Note:**

> as usual, this was a request from my tumblr axolotlnerd!! Please visit!!!!


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